Melanie Nilles

In providing daycare for various kids, I’ve seen it plenty of times–the coddling and comforting of even the smallest emotional outburst.  I can’t stand it!

The truth is that around one year of age children begin to realize that crying or tantrums are a way to elicit attention.  Don’t fall for the sympathy vote.  Parents have to be strong if their kids will be strong.

Now, I’m not saying don’t give your kids emotional support or attention.  But there is a time and place for it.

Tantrums

Tantrums are a way of saying, “I don’t like this!” and “I refuse to cooperate!” but it all adds up to “I don’t know how to say what I feel.”  The truth is that even adults have tantrums.  (You know the guy–he’d rather hit the wall than hold it in.  or the woman who sticks her nose in the air and marches away to pout when she doesn’t get her way in the office.  Yup!  Those are adult tantrums.  But I’m talking about kids.)

Don’t give in.  Ignore the tantrum.  Don’t fall for the tears, whining, and/or the kicking and screaming.  Once you give in, the next time will be worse–louder and more physical.  Instead, go on with what you were doing.  If you can’t ignore it, send the child to their room.  If they’re young, you can nip this in the bud so it doesn’t progress.  But if you’ve had a progressively worsening problem and the child is older, you may have to physically carry the child to their room.  Shut the door on them.  You deserve a peaceful household.  Tantrums will stress you, whether you acknowledge it or not.

If a child can get out of their room, I like to use the door handle covers, but these are for round handles, not the lever style.  Put the cover on their side of the door.  Then walk away.  Let them chill.  Let them go until you hear nothing for a couple minutes, or you hear peaceful self-talk.  I say peaceful, because you don’t want to reward the child who talks to themself about hurting another person–they’re not over the problem yet.   In that case, you’re going to have to have a talk with them after they’re fully settled down.

If you’re in public, the answer is simple–leave your shopping cart and haul your child to the car.  Buckle them in and step out.  You need your peace and they need to know you’re serious.  And the public will appreciate the peace and knowing one more parent had the firmness to show their kids some discipline.  Tantrums are UNACCEPTABLE.

Most often, if you stop this at home by teaching your child that a tantrum gets them nothing, they’ll realize on some level that the effort of putting up a fight isn’t worth it.  They’ll lose every time.

Injuries

I’ve seen parents immediately comfort their child for the tiniest of stumbles or bumps.  Unless there’s blood, a hard blow to the head, or broken bones, there’s no need to pick up a crying child.  Let them come to you.  Children need our assurance that they’ll be okay.  Most often their injury is small enough to kiss it and make it better.  Do NOT make a big deal of it.  This sends the wrong message.  Remember this old addage: “Actions speak louder than words”.  The object with injuries is to insure the child understands that a small scrape or bump is not the end of the world but that we do sympathize.  They can survive and go on.  And that involves the parent staying calm and acting like it’s not a big deal.

I’ve had kids who bawl their eyes out from falling on their bottom…on carpeting.  Why?  Because mommy or daddy jumps to them all worried and asking, “Are you all right?”  I LOATHE parents like that.  They do a disservice to their children, turning them into whimps and stealing their confidence.

Yes, confidence.  (Remember–blood, head, bones.  Our reaction should be equal to the seriousness of the injury.)  By blowing up a small injury into a big deal, we teach our kids not to rely on themselves.  Instead, they turn to others to determine what they need.  I’ve seen the results.  It turns kids into victims.  They don’t learn to stand up for themselves and trust that they can deal with the situation.  Rather, they turn into clingy, dependent little creatures, instead of independent, outgoing children who can have fun.

In other words, no helicopter parents.  Don’t hover over your kids.  I know it’s hard.  You care, and that’s great.  You want to nurture.  Wonderful!  Now stand back and let your toddler and preschooler go on without batting an eye at their little scrape.  I worry about my girls all the time, but I’ve been able to stand back and let kids be kids.  It’s the nature of childhood–injuries.  It’s going to happen as part of the learning process.  Let them deal with the minor scrapes and bruises.  If they need attention, keep it short–a kiss or a hug, and a kind word of encouragement to go back to playing.  A little first-aid if necessary, but nothing more.  And band-aids have a magical way of making the pain go away, but try to discourage it if there’s no blood.  Remember, you have the power of “No!” and those little strips hurt more coming off than the original injury.

Choices

Kids need choices.  But no more than two or three options, all of them acceptable to you, the caregiver.  Those options should be age-appropriate.  Having the ability to trust in their judgment will give kids confidence that they can rely on themselves and that you (the person they admire most) are trusting them enough to let them choose.  Wow!  Suddenly they have your confidence that they can make a good choice.  That boosts any person’s confidence when someone trusts them to make a decision.  And it should progress to further and further choices, like picking their own clothes, doing chores, etc.  It’s amazing what kids will discover within themselves when given a chance to do things for themselves.

There are other ways to empower kids to grow up as strong individuals who can trust their own judgments, but these are the main three I observe on a daily basis, particularly with preschoolers.

I had a revelation this morning about a story I had started, which had died several deaths.  I suspect a lot of that had to do with the fact that I wasn’t sure about an ending.  I finally realized it was meant to be a short.  After starting the process of paring down what I have to what I can still use, I reached a point where I couldn’t use anything beyond that, except some of the worldbuilding and background info.

That’s where I sat down and started planning.  It flowed into an ending.  Better yet, it makes perfect sense!  I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.  But sometimes that happens.  As with A Turn of Curses, I was trying to stretch a short story into a novel.  Condensing what I had done of that wasn’t easy.  This one won’t be either, but it will be worth it in the end.  (I mean that literally )

I have to know my ending as a guide to write an effective story.  When I don’t know it, I have trouble writing.  I need a goal to aim for.  With the daemon story, I now have that.  I hope to keep it under the 17K word count limit of the Writers of the Future Contest.  Might as well keep submitting as long as I’m qualified to enter.   After all, Curses made honorable mention.  Perhaps Daemon can too.

Now that the ending makes sense, I have that goal to write towards.  It’ll be tight, but I’m sure I can do it.  After all, I did it once already!

I must admit, that seeing that anyone has read the ebook version of Dragon Prophecy is exciting.  But to see on fictionwise that the ratings lean to the “poor” end of the spectrum is not unexpected, although it is disappointing.  I always felt that the story could have been stronger with better editing.  But the editor assigned by the publisher didn’t edit the story the way he should have.  He was too “nice” and afraid to really step up and address the real issues.

I never did like the first half of the story but couldn’t figure out what to do to make it better.  Now I know–hack it off.  Had I a choice now, I would have done exactly that.  But, alas, it’s too late since the book is out.  I could cancel it, but why?  I’m sorry it wasn’t satisfying to those who rated it poorly, but I must say the story beyond it is far better.  That first book was all set up of what was to come.  It should be considered almost as backstory.

It’s done.  Dragon Prophecy is out but the others will not be from the same publisher.  You’ve probably noticed that all the books except DP have been taken off my website.  When I find a new publisher for the rest of the series, I’ll be sure to post about it.  For now, I’m back to the query/submission queue.  It’s a lottery I hate playing, but hopefully, someone will see the value in the story and pick up the rest of the series.

Actually, the rest of the series could stand alone well without Dragon Prophecy.  DP introduces all the characters and their backgrounds and brings things together.  The next part picks up where that leaves off, and it’s easy to jump into the action.  In fact, it almost works better, since by not having info dumps or slow scenes to show things, the action is faster paced and more exciting.  It also leaves lots of questions to be answered about how one character relates to another and what happened to get them where they are.  (I’ve been editing.)

Now, the hard part is writing that darned summary called a synopsis.  With 300,000 words of manuscript total, condensing that down with more than two dozen characters is quite a chore.  I know I can do it, but it will take some time to get it right.

In the meantime, I’m finishing up an editing pass on the entire three books worth of manuscript.  It’s been interesting, but I’m so ready to move on to something new that it’s almost sickening.  I love the dragon series.  Don’t get me wrong.  But I can only digest something so much before that cud is over-metastisized.  I need something fresh and exciting.  This isn’t exciting and new anymore.  I’ve worked on it for almost eight years, give or take a year, even around other writing projects, and I want it done.

Moving on will be exciting again.

Whoever said life was fun?

I’m sure someone did, but for most of us, it’s work.  Work for someone else, work for ourselves, work for our families…Work, work, work!  Our dreams take work too.

But having fun working.  Now, that’s when life is fun.  I enjoy writing, although it is work.  I enjoy working with horses, but that’s work.  I would much rather muck stalls and clean pens than clean my house.  Cleaning house is no fun.  Cleaning horses and their waste is time spent with horses.  Any time I can be with my horse is relaxation.  It’s pleasant work.  In fact, it’s not work at all.  It’s fun.  Sure, training him is work, but it’s a joy.

Writing is like that for me.  But I don’t like the business side of it or the public side.  I just want to write.  And I hope you all enjoy the results.  Unfortunately, I have to deal with the business side–submitting (rejections and acceptance, and everything that goes with it)–and the public side.  I don’t mind sharing parts of my life, but I’m not the kind of person who’s comfortable in crowds or taking center stage.  Sure, I like to hear praise and hate criticism–who doesn’t?  Perhaps that’s one of the factors contributing to why I like horses so much.  They’re so giving and beautiful, and forming a connection with a special horse brings a peace to the soul that nothing else can.

I know I’m rambling.  I have thoughts in my head with some connections to each other and nothing at all.  I’m in a mood.  I go through those.  After all I’m only human.

For a while, I was riding high on good times.  That doesn’t last.  Things change.  Eventually what goes up must come down.  I’m going into one of those slumps.  Kinda like the economy, which moves in cycles, whether weeks, months, or years.  It’s the same in my personal life.  I feel uninspired and down and right now wish that something would work.  That something I’ve submitted would catch an editor’s or agent’s eyes.  I’m looking for that acceptance, that validation that all the work is worthwhile.  For me, that keeps the writing fun.  My horse accepts me all the time and accomplishing even small steps towards my training goals fulfills me.  With writing, it’s the acceptance that is fulfilling.  It’s personal achievement, and it’s important to each of us.

That’s where I am.  I need that.  I feel like my writing career is stalling before it’s started.  Maybe there will never be a career.  Sometimes, like now, I feel like I’ll never “get it”.  I’m sick of writing forums and I’m jealous of writers who get it in one.  When is it time to give up?

Writers write first for themselves, then for others.  I need to write, always have, just as I need to ride horse.  It’s a way of escaping from the real world.  Will I ever give it up?  I don’t know.  For now, I’ll get past this slump and continue, at least until I run out of ideas I like.  To hell with what editors and agents want.  I know what I want.  I can only hope that they like it too. I’d feel better.