Melanie Nilles

In providing daycare for various kids, I’ve seen it plenty of times–the coddling and comforting of even the smallest emotional outburst.  I can’t stand it!

The truth is that around one year of age children begin to realize that crying or tantrums are a way to elicit attention.  Don’t fall for the sympathy vote.  Parents have to be strong if their kids will be strong.

Now, I’m not saying don’t give your kids emotional support or attention.  But there is a time and place for it.

Tantrums

Tantrums are a way of saying, “I don’t like this!” and “I refuse to cooperate!” but it all adds up to “I don’t know how to say what I feel.”  The truth is that even adults have tantrums.  (You know the guy–he’d rather hit the wall than hold it in.  or the woman who sticks her nose in the air and marches away to pout when she doesn’t get her way in the office.  Yup!  Those are adult tantrums.  But I’m talking about kids.)

Don’t give in.  Ignore the tantrum.  Don’t fall for the tears, whining, and/or the kicking and screaming.  Once you give in, the next time will be worse–louder and more physical.  Instead, go on with what you were doing.  If you can’t ignore it, send the child to their room.  If they’re young, you can nip this in the bud so it doesn’t progress.  But if you’ve had a progressively worsening problem and the child is older, you may have to physically carry the child to their room.  Shut the door on them.  You deserve a peaceful household.  Tantrums will stress you, whether you acknowledge it or not.

If a child can get out of their room, I like to use the door handle covers, but these are for round handles, not the lever style.  Put the cover on their side of the door.  Then walk away.  Let them chill.  Let them go until you hear nothing for a couple minutes, or you hear peaceful self-talk.  I say peaceful, because you don’t want to reward the child who talks to themself about hurting another person–they’re not over the problem yet.   In that case, you’re going to have to have a talk with them after they’re fully settled down.

If you’re in public, the answer is simple–leave your shopping cart and haul your child to the car.  Buckle them in and step out.  You need your peace and they need to know you’re serious.  And the public will appreciate the peace and knowing one more parent had the firmness to show their kids some discipline.  Tantrums are UNACCEPTABLE.

Most often, if you stop this at home by teaching your child that a tantrum gets them nothing, they’ll realize on some level that the effort of putting up a fight isn’t worth it.  They’ll lose every time.

Injuries

I’ve seen parents immediately comfort their child for the tiniest of stumbles or bumps.  Unless there’s blood, a hard blow to the head, or broken bones, there’s no need to pick up a crying child.  Let them come to you.  Children need our assurance that they’ll be okay.  Most often their injury is small enough to kiss it and make it better.  Do NOT make a big deal of it.  This sends the wrong message.  Remember this old addage: “Actions speak louder than words”.  The object with injuries is to insure the child understands that a small scrape or bump is not the end of the world but that we do sympathize.  They can survive and go on.  And that involves the parent staying calm and acting like it’s not a big deal.

I’ve had kids who bawl their eyes out from falling on their bottom…on carpeting.  Why?  Because mommy or daddy jumps to them all worried and asking, “Are you all right?”  I LOATHE parents like that.  They do a disservice to their children, turning them into whimps and stealing their confidence.

Yes, confidence.  (Remember–blood, head, bones.  Our reaction should be equal to the seriousness of the injury.)  By blowing up a small injury into a big deal, we teach our kids not to rely on themselves.  Instead, they turn to others to determine what they need.  I’ve seen the results.  It turns kids into victims.  They don’t learn to stand up for themselves and trust that they can deal with the situation.  Rather, they turn into clingy, dependent little creatures, instead of independent, outgoing children who can have fun.

In other words, no helicopter parents.  Don’t hover over your kids.  I know it’s hard.  You care, and that’s great.  You want to nurture.  Wonderful!  Now stand back and let your toddler and preschooler go on without batting an eye at their little scrape.  I worry about my girls all the time, but I’ve been able to stand back and let kids be kids.  It’s the nature of childhood–injuries.  It’s going to happen as part of the learning process.  Let them deal with the minor scrapes and bruises.  If they need attention, keep it short–a kiss or a hug, and a kind word of encouragement to go back to playing.  A little first-aid if necessary, but nothing more.  And band-aids have a magical way of making the pain go away, but try to discourage it if there’s no blood.  Remember, you have the power of “No!” and those little strips hurt more coming off than the original injury.

Choices

Kids need choices.  But no more than two or three options, all of them acceptable to you, the caregiver.  Those options should be age-appropriate.  Having the ability to trust in their judgment will give kids confidence that they can rely on themselves and that you (the person they admire most) are trusting them enough to let them choose.  Wow!  Suddenly they have your confidence that they can make a good choice.  That boosts any person’s confidence when someone trusts them to make a decision.  And it should progress to further and further choices, like picking their own clothes, doing chores, etc.  It’s amazing what kids will discover within themselves when given a chance to do things for themselves.

There are other ways to empower kids to grow up as strong individuals who can trust their own judgments, but these are the main three I observe on a daily basis, particularly with preschoolers.

Don’t dish out the dough for expensive toys. Here are some tried and true and CHEAP favorites that preschoolers often prefer to those fancy toys:

1. Play-Doh. It can keep a kid entertained for hours, especially if you invest in a set with different shapes.

2. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles! Kids love blowing bubbles. They’re cheap and they’re fun. And it’s a great outdoor activity, especially when they chase the bubbles. Whether you blow and they chase, or they blow the bubbles, themselves, it’s worth a lot of fun.

3. Balls. Bouncing balls can provide a long time of imaginative play, from games to simply bouncing on a large ball, kids get creative and find many uses.

4. Crayons and paper. Kids love art! They especially love to scribble and it’s a great way for them to practice holding a writing utensil, which they will need in order to start writing skills.

5. Scissors and paper. Preschoolers LOVE to cut things. Be sure you give them only kid-safe scissors with no more than 2 inch blades and blunted ends. Give them paper and let them have at it. But don’t turn you back, because they like to experiment on things other than paper.

6. Brown paper bags. The small sandwich bags are perfect for little hands to use them as puppets. Give them some crayons and let them draw faces and make their own puppet show!

7. Paper towel rolls. The inner rolls can be made into anything with your imagination, but most often, what a preschooler will want most is to look through them like a telescope. They can be pirates or stargazers, or even jedi

8. Sand. The sandBOX or TABLE to contain it will cost more but playground sand is fairly cheap, as are the toys to make castles and anything else kids can imagine.

9. Water. A tub or basin with just a couple inches of water and some cups will turn into a mess, but it’s only water. And kids love to play in water.

10. Pots, pans, mixing spoons. We already have them in our house, but these transform into drums, microphones, and myriad other imaginary items.

11. Boxes. Kids love boxes, especially when they can sit in them. With imagination, boxes turn into cars, buses, boats, and slides (especially if you have a laminate floor )

12. Bubble wrap. At least while they still have something to pop, preschoolers love stomping or jumping on it.

13. Cannisters. Either the old Quaker Oatmeal cannisters or those that nuts or formula come in make great drums. Maybe not for adult ears, but kids love to make noise.

14. Puzzles. Not all preschoolers like them, but if you start out easy, many will grow to love them. You can also make your own puzzles with pictures, cardboard, glue and scissors.

I hope this gives you parents out there some ideas. From my experience as a daycare provider, these are the “toys” that I have found to keep kids entertained far longer than expensive toys. (The other toys kids like, but which cost more, are wooden blocks to build with, Duplo’s by Lego(tm), Mega-Bloks, and other similar building blocks.)

So, save your money on toys kids will only like for a short time anyway.

I’ve mentioned going through depression in previous posts and elsewhere, but I haven’t gone into details about my experiences. I advocate anyone who suspects something wrong to seek help, because you can feel good about life, your family, and yourself.

The unfortunate fact is that too many people still ignore the warning signs or reject the notion of depression as a fad diagnosis or as something that is all in their head, as in imaginary. “I’ll be fine in a few days” or “It’s just the blues” or “It’s just stress” may be common excuses. And they may be correct statements, unless you have symptoms that are red flags in combination.

Depression is different than the more common blues. The blues are just a general temporary feeling of being down or moody. The key here is temporary and it’s usually only a feeling of exhaustion and sadness. That’s not depression. The blues can come on after a few days of lack of sunlight or disappointments in life. But a person usually bounces back quickly from those downs. Depression is much more serious and long-term.

True depression is cause for seeking more than just friends to lift us up out of the dips in life. True depression is a spiral that carries a person down, like a whirlpool, sinking deeper and deeper until they can’t get out without intervention. Left untreated, depression can lead to suicide or hurting others irreparably.

What are those signs? If you search the internet, you’ll find plenty of information. What I’ll list here is what I went through, and why I knew something was wrong. If you see yourself in this, you owe it to yourself and others to seek help.

1. Irritability.

Taken in itself, irritability is not a sign of depression. We all get moody for different reasons. However, when that irritabillity comes frequently and for no logical reason (lack of good sleep or stress) a person should consider it a red flag. Anytime you start having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, it’s time to consider that something may be wrong. In my case, I scared myself with how close I came to wanting to hurt my baby.

2. Change in sleep patterns

Again, not a sign of depression alone, and a person needs to consider what kind of sleeper they normally are. When something is wrong in the brain, your sleep will be affected. In my case, nothing was helping me to sleep better. I’m normally a bit of an insomniac, and having a baby who slept great up until 5 1/2 months start waking regularly throughout the night didn’t help. I had trouble falling back to sleep. Lack of sleep only makes things worse. I don’t have experience with too much sleep, so I wouldn’t know how it feels to go that direction.

3. Constant Fatigue (even after a good night’s sleep)

This is a reason to get medical help. If you’ve had a good night’s sleep but still feel like you only want to sleep during the day, then something is wrong. It may not be depression but something else, such as Thyroid or other hormonal problems. But if it happens with other symptoms, it can be a sign of depression. Not even exercising regularly will help in that case.

4. Change in eating habits

I was constantly craving the wrong kinds of foods. Sugar increases irritability and tiredness. But I couldn’t help it. I love sugary foods, but this was going overboard. I am a thin person but had put on over forty pounds during my pregnancy, which I worked hard to take off afterwards and succeeded in doing. However, that weight was creeping up again with my lack of control over what I craved.

The opposite can also be true in someone with depression.

5. Lack of enjoyment in activities that normal give you pleasure

I love horses. Anyone who knows me knows that. But I was having trouble motivating myself to want to spend time with my horse. Part of that was cured by making a change–selling my mare and buying a new horse–but that newness was wearing off quickly and I found myself not enjoying him as I had the first couple of weeks.

6. Lack of concentration

Okay, some people have a short attention span for anything. However, I’m not one of them. I could spend hours focused on something like writing or redesigning my website, or horses, or reading. However, I found myself unable to concentrate on anything more than a few minutes. And that leads me to the last symptom.

7. Feeling disconnected from yourself and the world

This was the real clincher for me into what was going on. It was the source of all my problems. I felt disconnected from everything, even my spirituality and myself. I couldn’t get into my characters for writing or reading. I felt like I walked around in someone else’s body, going through the motions but not feeling things. In the past I would have described it as seeing the world through a fog. All the colors of experience, all your senses are dulled.

8. Recently had a baby

Enough said. Hormones are messed up.

These were the symptoms I experienced leading to my seeking help and medication for my depression. I’m glad I did. After the first dose, I felt an improvement, along with side effects. While the side effects have faded since that first dose, I have rediscovered myself and laugh and play with my kids and my husband and my horse. I now enjoy being with them and they with me, as it should be.

Will I be on medication forever? I doubt it. But for now, I know I can’t go off without returning to how I was, the person I don’t want to be. I know that I also suffer from SAD because of the lack of sunlight in winter where I live. I’ve suffered for years. Not even regular exercise has been successful in preventing it. Next spring will be the test.

You have to know yourself to recognize when something is wrong. I didn’t see the forest through the trees until I took in all the symptoms together and realized I needed help. I’m not afraid to get it.

If you’re concerned about someone you know, the best you can do is provide them with support and information. They have to be the ones to take the step to getting help. Some people can be pushed, others not. The best that friends can do is gently encourage and coax a depressed friend to seek the help they need.

Everything I learned about enjoying life, I learned from doing daycare:

1. Sing at the top of your lungs whatever you feel like without worrying about what other’s think
2. Play hard
3. Friends may make you mad, but it’s no one’s fault. Soon you’ll be playing and laughing together again.
4. Laugh a lot
5. Imagination can take you anywhere
6. Every day is an adventure
7. The world is a fascinating place to explore
8. Scream for joy as loud as you can
9. Never miss a chance to express yourself
10. Lines are only for decoration. Color everywhere on the page and use every color you can.
11. A box isn’t a box. It’s a space ship, a car, or anything you want it to be.
12. We all need quiet time.

I put this together from my experience.  Feel free to pass it on

*yawn* For the last two nights we’ve had a sick baby in the house. When she’s not comfortable, no one is. She doesn’t go to sleep very easily either. With her fever at its peak around 104 and the medicines not helping much to bring it down, last night at least, we were all miserable. She was crabby and not wanting to sleep, or all over the place when she was actually trying to sleep.

The internet is a great resource, but I had neither the inclination nor the attention for it at 1 am. I’ve seen kids have febrile seizures, which scared me, but I learned from that not to worry. I also know that fever is the body’s way of fighting infections, since most viruses are killed by temperatures above a certain threshold, which is why we get feverish. But when a baby is miserable, what can a parent do?

Relax and make your baby comfortable. I don’t like to overmedicate my kids but with her fever not falling under 102 with medicine last night, I was tempted. The purpose of the medicine, however, is to alleviate other symptoms like aches and chills that may accompany a fever. According to what I’ve no read online, bringing the fever down is more of a secondary effect of the medication. Although our baby girl’s temperature was still elevated, she acted more normal having the medicine. The only thing a parent can do beyond that is use non-medication ways of making them comfortable if the medicine isn’t working.

I had maybe three hours of sleep total, next to her hot little body stripped down to a thin onesie. While my body heat wasn’t helping in the fight to keep her cooler, I felt better that she was more at ease being with me than alone in her bed miserable with this illness.

Today we’re all playing catch up on sleep, except for the little one, who fights it all the way. Not much else will get done, but there isn’t much you can do with a sick child.

I wrote earlier in the year about how to get young babies to sleep through the night (If I had known then…). However, sometimes that doesn’t last. If your baby is like ours, around the time they start moving (rolling, crawling, etc.) and become more aware of their surroundings, that is around the 5-7 month age, all that work can go right out the window, along with your peace of mind.

No matter what you do, it’s going to happen. Relax! It’s normal. Give it some time. Your baby needs the reassurance that you don’t disappear when they go to sleep and that life can go on without them. Your patience may wear thin from lack of sleep, but hold on, because it will pass. It’s very important that if you find yourself losing control, set your child down in their crib and retreat to a room where you can’t hear them for a few minutes, or until you regain your calm. NEVER shake a baby or yell at them. They cry for a reason at this age. It will all pass in time. In time. Remember that nothing lasts forever. With a lack of sleep, your temper will be shorter and your thoughts scrambled. You’re not alone. We have all been through this, so take several deep breaths and count to ten.

Now, some babies pass through this stage quickly, like our first did. After a couple weeks of off and on sleeping through the night, she would wake up once a night until she was almost 18 months old. From that point, she mostly slept through the night. That’s not unusual.

However, our second hasn’t slept through the night since she was about 5 1/2 months old. Imagine how I felt! I don’t like to let infants go more than a few hours without eating, so I would feed her about 3 times a night. I thought I was done with that. I paid for my giving nature with lack of sleep, which led to being cranky and not enjoying my kids during the day.

This last weekend, after going through a horrible stomach bug, I decided it was time to cut her off. It’s been three months, more than long enough for her to adjust back to sleeping through the night. At her age, it won’t hurt her to cry for a while. I’ve already tried giving her what she wants and it only made the matter worse with her. Every child’s personality is different. What works for one may not be right for another. Well, in no mood to tolerate getting up with her several times, I let her cry herself back to sleep. The first night she cried for three hours (two of those hours after I fed her)! My husband and I finally had to sleep in other rooms, where we didn’t hear her (she’s in our bedroom). She finally went to sleep and stayed asleep for about 3 1/2 hours, the longest stretch she’s done in three months.

Last night she cried for no more than thirty minutes at one stretch and went to sleep. Another time, I fed her once and she went to sleep within ten minutes after being laid in her bed. She put in two 3 1/2 hours stretches of sleep, and I feel much better this morning. I will continue to enforce this new cry-it-out policy. At her age, it isn’t cruel. I don’t like to let young infants cry-it-out, because the younger they are, the more important it is to reassure them that their needs will be met immediately. Our youngest is 8 1/2 months old, more than old enough to begin learning to deal with frustration (when she’s playing and doesn’t get her way), and letting her cry-it-out when she doesn’t get her way at night because she doesn’t want to sleep but should be settling herself is not going to cause any mental issues.

While we’re still not to sleeping through the night, I’ll take a once-a-night feeding wake up over waking every hour anytime.

If you’re wondering what to do for your older infant, here are some notes:

1. Consider their age and developmental stage. Has the recent reversion to waking in the night coincided with reaching a new stage or level of activity? If so, continue your routine for a while, because it may pass on its own. (Give it a month or two)

2. If they are waking up frequently after they start crawling, take a look at what you’re doing. Are you rushing immediately to their bed, picking them up, feeding them? DON’T! Let them fuss for a while and they put themselves to sleep again. It is so hard to do, and that was partly my problem.

3. If their sleep hasn’t improved soon after they start crawling and you’re at wits end, try a different routine and have someone to help you. Do not give in to the temptation to rock your baby every time they wake, but lay them to sleep again after taking care of their needs while they are drowsy but not yet asleep.

4. If you’re still getting up more than once a night by eight months of age, let them cry. By eight months, your baby can learn to deal with frustration and should be settled into crawling. Granted, every child develops at their own pace, but that shouldn’t sacrifice your mood. You should enjoy your child, not resent them. I will allow a feeding once in the middle of the night but no more, simply because at this age, any normal, healthy infant may be hungry after a four-hours stretch, especially if they’re breastfed as mine is. But they should be put down after in their bed, while awake, and allowed to put themselves to sleep.

Now, get some sleep!

UPDATE:  By the third night, our infant slept for five hours and the little bit of fussing she did earlier in the night lasted no more than five minutes.  This is a child who slept eight hours by two months of age but who hasn’t slept through the night like that since she was about 5 1/2 months old.

I posted the video a week or two ago. Here’s the link with the lyrics:

http://www.squidoo.com/anitarenfroelyrics/

Enjoy!

Watch this:

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=1197846

babies = sleep = creativity = writing
The result…delay in character interview.

Honestly, I haven’t had a break all day with the kids. I’m tired. I’m cranky. I’m ready to SCREAM!! Crabby babies can make mom very, VERY moody, especially when it steals her creativity because of the lack of sleep and lack of alone time.

There is such a thing as overstimulation. That’s what makes babies “colicky”. It makes mommies colicky too. Same thing. We just need quiet time, and in my case, exercise, which was lacking this weekend. Blame it on hubby for staying out of the house and leaving me with the kids. I already spend ten hours a day with my kids and other people’s kids, five days a week. You think I want to hang out in the house with my own all weekend? NO! I need to GET OUT!

/rant

My nerves are frazzled. My mind is shot. I need to get out, but that won’t happen until tomorrow night, after the dentist replaces the temporary crown with the permanent one. *sigh* I wish I had perfect teeth.

I promised a character interview, but if it doesn’t get posted tomorrow by noon, it won’t happen until tomorrow night at this time. Look for it within twenty-four hours.

Thanks for listening!

I’ve done it! I have mastered the art of getting babies to fall asleep on their own.

Our youngest, now 4 1/2 months, can fall asleep without assistance, consistently. I’m pretty proud of that, because it makes my life MUCH easier. She no longer has to fall asleep nursing but can be laid down awake and put herself to sleep without a peep.

It took some work, but it always does. Not all babies are the same either. I’ve found that out in the few years I’ve done daycare, which is how I’ve now mastered it by the time I got to my own second child

Don’t be disheartened if you’re trying and can’t get your child to fall asleep. Every child has their own personality and ours is easier than most, although I will admit it wasn’t perfect. I’ve had practice and heard enough babies crying while trying to fix meals for preschoolers or feed a second baby that I can tolerate a little more crying than most mothers. It’s always hardest when it’s your own, however. See my other post in Kids and family to know how I did it.

With enough sleep (and loving care), every baby can be a happy baby!