Melanie Nilles

jiggity jig.

We’re back from GenCon.  In case you missed it, you can find daily posts of what I liked and didn’t like on my livejournal.

I won’t repeat what I already wrote, except to say that Michael A. Stackpole is not only a good author but a gracious and entertaining person.  So, make sure you check out his website also.

Yay!  Friday is almost done.  So, what comes next?

VACATION!!!

Next week, GenCon.  It’ll be a long road trip, but it’ll just be me and DH.  Hooray!  No kids, but I’ll miss my girls, even the four-legged furry ones with whiskers.  Along those lines, I’ll also miss my boy.  It’s going to be hard not seeing Beau for a whole week.

It’s been hard enough this last week going four days.  I’ve been sick.  I think it’s west nile, but I won’t know until next week.  Monday I go see the doctor and get the blood test done.  All the major symptoms are gone, except the tiredness.  I can’t seem to wake up, except I’m good for a few hours in the morning.  By noon, I’m starting to feel it and by midafternoon, I’m dragging.  This is so unlike me.  But it could also be an effect of not getting out.  I was too uncomfortable earlier this week to get out to see Beau.  Being stuck indoors for more than a couple days in a row always makes me feel…weird…not myself.

I’m glad we have our vacation coming.  But If I can’t shake this tiredness, It’s not going to be much fun.

I’m so glad it’s Friday.

Whoever said life was fun?

I’m sure someone did, but for most of us, it’s work.  Work for someone else, work for ourselves, work for our families…Work, work, work!  Our dreams take work too.

But having fun working.  Now, that’s when life is fun.  I enjoy writing, although it is work.  I enjoy working with horses, but that’s work.  I would much rather muck stalls and clean pens than clean my house.  Cleaning house is no fun.  Cleaning horses and their waste is time spent with horses.  Any time I can be with my horse is relaxation.  It’s pleasant work.  In fact, it’s not work at all.  It’s fun.  Sure, training him is work, but it’s a joy.

Writing is like that for me.  But I don’t like the business side of it or the public side.  I just want to write.  And I hope you all enjoy the results.  Unfortunately, I have to deal with the business side–submitting (rejections and acceptance, and everything that goes with it)–and the public side.  I don’t mind sharing parts of my life, but I’m not the kind of person who’s comfortable in crowds or taking center stage.  Sure, I like to hear praise and hate criticism–who doesn’t?  Perhaps that’s one of the factors contributing to why I like horses so much.  They’re so giving and beautiful, and forming a connection with a special horse brings a peace to the soul that nothing else can.

I know I’m rambling.  I have thoughts in my head with some connections to each other and nothing at all.  I’m in a mood.  I go through those.  After all I’m only human.

For a while, I was riding high on good times.  That doesn’t last.  Things change.  Eventually what goes up must come down.  I’m going into one of those slumps.  Kinda like the economy, which moves in cycles, whether weeks, months, or years.  It’s the same in my personal life.  I feel uninspired and down and right now wish that something would work.  That something I’ve submitted would catch an editor’s or agent’s eyes.  I’m looking for that acceptance, that validation that all the work is worthwhile.  For me, that keeps the writing fun.  My horse accepts me all the time and accomplishing even small steps towards my training goals fulfills me.  With writing, it’s the acceptance that is fulfilling.  It’s personal achievement, and it’s important to each of us.

That’s where I am.  I need that.  I feel like my writing career is stalling before it’s started.  Maybe there will never be a career.  Sometimes, like now, I feel like I’ll never “get it”.  I’m sick of writing forums and I’m jealous of writers who get it in one.  When is it time to give up?

Writers write first for themselves, then for others.  I need to write, always have, just as I need to ride horse.  It’s a way of escaping from the real world.  Will I ever give it up?  I don’t know.  For now, I’ll get past this slump and continue, at least until I run out of ideas I like.  To hell with what editors and agents want.  I know what I want.  I can only hope that they like it too. I’d feel better.

(cross-posted from my LJ blog)

I think of waiting for all these things that I’ll mention and it makes me think of Oh, The Places You’ll Go! and the inevitable “Waiting Place” where everyone is just waiting. I feel like that’s where I am. Just waiting on so many things to happen.

1. Waiting for Dragon Prophecy to actually be printed, not just available for pre-order. Then the real work begins!

2. Waiting to hear from agents on the queries I sent out this last weekend for God Kin. I’ve already had one rejection, but I think I have half a dozen queries out, so I’ll wait for a few more to come before sending out more. I tend to go in spurts.

3. Waiting for FedEx to deliver my iPaq that I ordered last week. I had to put a note on the doorbell not to ring, because I now have kids napping.

4. Waiting for Saturday to take Beau to the vet. If you love horses, please pray that whatever this cough is that it’s curable, not just treatable. He’s too young to get heaves! And he’s finally getting out of the awkward, ugly stage and turning into a beautiful dressage prospect with wonderful conformation for that or hunter. (His withers and croup are level now; and the back legs don’t look so camped-out but rather more in line with where they should be.) And he’s figuring out how to use those long legs without getting tangled I want him healthy and able to do the job I bought him and am training him to do.

5. Waiting for edits from my editor for Dark Angel. I’m liking her less as she complains about the pacing. I think she expect action in the form of fighting/running from trouble rather than action in the form of high school problems and relationships, which makes up much of the story for the MC. Said editor told me the pace doesn’t pick up until a certain chapter (which is where the fighting/fleeing stuff happens). In light of that, do I go back and rip out what makes the story fun, imho, or rewrite to satisfy her tastes? This story was already accepted by the publisher (and she wasn’t part of that decision), so I don’t think it should be changed too much. I like the story fun, not always serious and tense all the way through. But I’m also used to writing with my girly tastes in mind, which involves emotions and relationships and the conflicts involved in those aspects of life. I sometimes feel like this editor has a chip on her shoulder or would prefer straight science fiction to real-world SF and have considered requesting someone else, but some things she is good at spotting. And she’s taking way too much time on this! okay /rant. I have veto power over her opinions at least.

6. Waiting for baby girl’s teeth to come in so she can finish the teething terrors. Good lord! I hate teething! Can we be done soon?

7. Waiting right now for kids to fall asleep so I can relax and enjoy some peace

I’m not a patient person. I hate waiting. I’m glad I broke my habit of biting my nails long ago. I’d have nothing left!

So, here I am, two books in the works, so far. One is in the process of being edited, and the other is almost at the printer.

Dragon Prophecy was originally scheduled for January, but it looks like it’ll be this month. Dark Angel was scheduled for this month, but it looks like June, or possibly July. No word yet on Dragon Legends, which is tentatively scheduled for July. I wouldn’t count on it being on time, at the moment.

In the meantime, I’m still writing. I have a completed YA manuscript that needs serious rewriting for the second half and at least two novel WIPs, N1 with 18K words written to date and N2 with 31K to date. I also have a novelette submitted to the Writers of the Future contest, which I am still qualified to enter. There’s one of the benefits of not having an advance or a print run I can be published, but not by the contest definition.

My writing life is busy, but that comes after my personal life. Personal life involves kids, husband, and horses. Somewhere I also find time for friends, but it’s unfortunate that they come after everything else. I rarely see my friends any more, except for the friends I’ve made at the stable where I board my horse. I don’t count them as friend friends but as horsey friends, because when we see each other, it involves horses. So, when I say I don’t see friends, I mean the friends I can hang around in any situation and share things with from any part of my life.

Now that I’ve rambled on, I’ll let you go back to your life. But stop by any time to see what’s new. And, until Dragon Prophecy is released, I will continue the snippets, which I hope you’re enjoying, every weekend. This weekend’s may be late, but I’ll do my best to have it posted by Sunday night.

Dear Readers, apparently there is some push to do away with the Reading Is Fundamental program.  As a writer, mother, and daycare provider, I MUST protest.  If you like books, show your support.  It’s easy and quick.  Follow this link–http://capwiz.com/rif/home/ –and fill in a few blanks.  They’ll do the rest.

RIF is a program encouraging kids to read.  It’s already proven that young people read fewer books than previous generations.  Reading comprehension is important, and that takes practice.  Practice means reading, for enjoyment, for information, and for FUN.  This program promotes literacy.  Please show your support.

I’ve mentioned going through depression in previous posts and elsewhere, but I haven’t gone into details about my experiences. I advocate anyone who suspects something wrong to seek help, because you can feel good about life, your family, and yourself.

The unfortunate fact is that too many people still ignore the warning signs or reject the notion of depression as a fad diagnosis or as something that is all in their head, as in imaginary. “I’ll be fine in a few days” or “It’s just the blues” or “It’s just stress” may be common excuses. And they may be correct statements, unless you have symptoms that are red flags in combination.

Depression is different than the more common blues. The blues are just a general temporary feeling of being down or moody. The key here is temporary and it’s usually only a feeling of exhaustion and sadness. That’s not depression. The blues can come on after a few days of lack of sunlight or disappointments in life. But a person usually bounces back quickly from those downs. Depression is much more serious and long-term.

True depression is cause for seeking more than just friends to lift us up out of the dips in life. True depression is a spiral that carries a person down, like a whirlpool, sinking deeper and deeper until they can’t get out without intervention. Left untreated, depression can lead to suicide or hurting others irreparably.

What are those signs? If you search the internet, you’ll find plenty of information. What I’ll list here is what I went through, and why I knew something was wrong. If you see yourself in this, you owe it to yourself and others to seek help.

1. Irritability.

Taken in itself, irritability is not a sign of depression. We all get moody for different reasons. However, when that irritabillity comes frequently and for no logical reason (lack of good sleep or stress) a person should consider it a red flag. Anytime you start having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, it’s time to consider that something may be wrong. In my case, I scared myself with how close I came to wanting to hurt my baby.

2. Change in sleep patterns

Again, not a sign of depression alone, and a person needs to consider what kind of sleeper they normally are. When something is wrong in the brain, your sleep will be affected. In my case, nothing was helping me to sleep better. I’m normally a bit of an insomniac, and having a baby who slept great up until 5 1/2 months start waking regularly throughout the night didn’t help. I had trouble falling back to sleep. Lack of sleep only makes things worse. I don’t have experience with too much sleep, so I wouldn’t know how it feels to go that direction.

3. Constant Fatigue (even after a good night’s sleep)

This is a reason to get medical help. If you’ve had a good night’s sleep but still feel like you only want to sleep during the day, then something is wrong. It may not be depression but something else, such as Thyroid or other hormonal problems. But if it happens with other symptoms, it can be a sign of depression. Not even exercising regularly will help in that case.

4. Change in eating habits

I was constantly craving the wrong kinds of foods. Sugar increases irritability and tiredness. But I couldn’t help it. I love sugary foods, but this was going overboard. I am a thin person but had put on over forty pounds during my pregnancy, which I worked hard to take off afterwards and succeeded in doing. However, that weight was creeping up again with my lack of control over what I craved.

The opposite can also be true in someone with depression.

5. Lack of enjoyment in activities that normal give you pleasure

I love horses. Anyone who knows me knows that. But I was having trouble motivating myself to want to spend time with my horse. Part of that was cured by making a change–selling my mare and buying a new horse–but that newness was wearing off quickly and I found myself not enjoying him as I had the first couple of weeks.

6. Lack of concentration

Okay, some people have a short attention span for anything. However, I’m not one of them. I could spend hours focused on something like writing or redesigning my website, or horses, or reading. However, I found myself unable to concentrate on anything more than a few minutes. And that leads me to the last symptom.

7. Feeling disconnected from yourself and the world

This was the real clincher for me into what was going on. It was the source of all my problems. I felt disconnected from everything, even my spirituality and myself. I couldn’t get into my characters for writing or reading. I felt like I walked around in someone else’s body, going through the motions but not feeling things. In the past I would have described it as seeing the world through a fog. All the colors of experience, all your senses are dulled.

8. Recently had a baby

Enough said. Hormones are messed up.

These were the symptoms I experienced leading to my seeking help and medication for my depression. I’m glad I did. After the first dose, I felt an improvement, along with side effects. While the side effects have faded since that first dose, I have rediscovered myself and laugh and play with my kids and my husband and my horse. I now enjoy being with them and they with me, as it should be.

Will I be on medication forever? I doubt it. But for now, I know I can’t go off without returning to how I was, the person I don’t want to be. I know that I also suffer from SAD because of the lack of sunlight in winter where I live. I’ve suffered for years. Not even regular exercise has been successful in preventing it. Next spring will be the test.

You have to know yourself to recognize when something is wrong. I didn’t see the forest through the trees until I took in all the symptoms together and realized I needed help. I’m not afraid to get it.

If you’re concerned about someone you know, the best you can do is provide them with support and information. They have to be the ones to take the step to getting help. Some people can be pushed, others not. The best that friends can do is gently encourage and coax a depressed friend to seek the help they need.

Yes, it is. I have two beautiful little girls, a husband who’s my best friend, a gorgeous and talented horse, two cute cats, and several books coming out. What more could I ask?

Well, I’d like a finished basement, a grassy yard, and low gas prices. I think we all want that last. Nevertheless, I was thinking today how many blessings I have in my life and how fortunate we are for all we have and realized that it’s been a long time since I sat and considered where I am in my life. I guess part of it may be an unconscious awareness of the upcoming holiday and what it truly means. The other part is the warm fuzzy feeling I have for my horse, Beau.

I went out tonight, which is a typically windy day but windier than normal. I just wish we had lots of snow to blow around instead of dirt. It’s dry and…oh, yeah!…I wish we had precipitation of some sort, and lots of it, preferably snow. Anyway, I went out because I expected my poor boy to be a bit chilled. I had taken his blanket off Saturday and washed it. The weather was nice and expected to continue to be nice, at least for a few days. But that changed after the sun went down and the wind blew the cooling air; but the day wasn’t the best either until the sun came out. The poor boy was standing under his lean-to shelter instead of eating the hay at the other end of his pen. I took him into the warm arena and brushed him lovingly and tried to get him to run to stretch his legs, but he didn’t have his usual enthusiasm. I can only guess he shivered off all his energy. The thought pulled at my heart strings. I made sure to blanket him for the next few days. While I was doing that, another horse was being longed. Beau didn’t move a muscle. He stood like a perfect gentleman while the other horse zoomed within ten feet of him, maybe closer, kicking up his heels while he was at it. When I took him back to his pen, he begged for his treats, which I gladly gave him, and started eating his hay. On the way home, I reflected on how lucky I am to have such a good horse. Star was good, but not like him. Beau was meant for me; I know it.

That started me thinking about how lucky I am in other areas. As I nursed the baby to sleep, I looked down at her in the dark of the bedroom and felt a contentment I haven’t had in a long time. I needed that moment. Sometimes we’re so busy rushing from one thing to another or taking care of everyone else that we don’t get a chance to reflect on our life. We need calm and quiet to look inward, instead of distracting us outward. Sometimes something outside of us acts as a catalyst, a trigger for our emotions. However, it all comes from within.

We can’t give to others if we don’t give to ourselves. I am fortunate to have all that I do. I’m grateful for everything and have worked hard to get where I am, which is the ultimate reward. I came from having very little except family, though, so I know what it means to appreciate the little things.

Sure, I hope bigger and better things come my way, but for now, at least I can say my life is fulfilling. I am satisfied.

Watch this:

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=1197846

Cleo laid sleeping, content and warm. Eyes closed to slits on a gray and white furred face. Despite the peace, something agitated her. She shifted her position and laid down again.

A few seconds later, a light tapping jerked her awake. She flicked her ears forward, her green eyes wide. Under the chair by the table, a shadow moved.

Her eyes fixed on it. Not a shadow, however, but the other cat whose dark-pointed cream-colored coat blended into the shadowed wood. Blue eyes round with mischief gazed back at Cleo.

Realization jolted through her. Cleo watched her housemate, Padme, for signs of the attack. However, the Siamese sat down and looked away.

Cleo stretched and closed her eyes with a sigh. She knew this game. Her tail twitched but she gave no other sign of her alertness. The attack would come, but she wouldn’t let on that she knew.

A faint swish almost imperceptible made Cleo open her eyes. Through eyes open a slit, she caught the thrash of a tail across the floor and blue eyes fixed on her. Padme stood, her tail twitching.

It came before Cleo could blink. She could only react now to the teeth at her neck and kicked out with her hind claws.

A second later, she freed herself and raced across the laminate, Padme at her tail. In the foyer she slipped, her hind claws finding no traction on the smooth surface. Lucky for her, Padme had stopped, but the Siamese hunched down, her tail thrashing.

This was it. Cleo had one chance to escape being cornered. She sprang for the opening between Padme and the wall.

Padme swiped at her, but Cleo leapt into the air and narrowly avoided the Siamese queen’s paws. She sprinted up the stairs to the bathroom, where she could hide in the bathtub. Padme never followed her there.

After catching her breath, she crept out, but Padme waited at the bottom of the stairs, seemingly unconcerned. Hoping to return to her sleep, Cleo descended. Padme sat without concern and Cleo passed her on the way to the couch.

A second later, the weight of the larger cat pinned her down. Cleo hissed and scrambled away. Padme stood over her, ready to attack.

Fed up with the unwanted disruption of her sleep, Cleo ran for the basement.

“Padme!” The human sounded unhappy. “Leave her alone.”

Cleo watched from the stairs. The Siamese turned from following her friend, tail up with an air of innocence. Cleo glared at her back. Someday when Padme tried to sleep, she would pay her back. In the meantime, she continued down the stairs to the basement and a quiet place to sleep.