Melanie Nilles

(cross-posted from LiveJournal)

I forgot to post these a couple weeks ago when I took them.  They’re a bit blurry as he was moving and they were taken with the phone camera.  Our regular camera takes awful pics inside the indoor arena, even with the flash.  I had to move fast too to catch him in the act.

What?!

going down

whee!

All done

Saddled up–that’s the Wintec I just bought, with the CAIR panels and the wide plate put in.  He looks so grownup, until you see him from the front or back and realize how narrow he is yet

I was talking yesterday with a parent who’s teenage son boards a horse at the same place I keep mine.  We both agreed that taking care of horses and young kids are almost interchangeable.  She’s raised three kids–her teenager being the youngest–and they’ve only had a horse for a year and a half.  I’ve had horses for over twenty years but my oldest child is 4 1/2.  So, our experience levels are reversed, but we both agreed that what applies to one applies to the other.

For one, you have to be consistent.  Whether in discipline with a child or handling/training a horse, the same rule applies.  Do not waiver.  Do not change your mind.  Rules are rules.  They don’t change.  When it comes to what is acceptable and what isn’t, stand by that.

Reward the good behavior and make it easier than bad behavior, and punish only when necessary.  Always praise a child or a horse for behaving properly or doing as you asked.  Praise is stronger than punishment, but we often overlook the positive behaviors and focus on the negatives.  Our main object should be to reward the positive responses.  Before that, we should make the right choice the easy choice.  If a child, or a horse, insists on misbehaving, even when offered an easy out for the right choice, then punishment may be necessary as a deterrent, but it should be appropriate to the behavior.

For example, if a child is expected to say Please and Thank You, the easiest thing to do is to withhold whatever they want until they use their manners.  (I also make our daughters ask in the form a question, rather than using an “I want” statement.)  Say you have a horse who wants to run back to the barn.  Circle him, back him, anything to make that trip back as slow as possible and as difficult as possible.  He’ll still be rewarded in the end by going back and being untacked, but only after he walks back quietly.

Keep things simple.  Neither young kids nor horses understand complex commands.  You have to take things one step at a time, and don’t get hung up on trying to explain why, because neither will understand nor care.  They just know what they want and that’s all they care about.  You start from the ground up with basics for each and build on that.  In time, each gains the experience to comprehend greater complexities, but don’t expect it.  If you want a young child to do chores, you have to start out showing them each step.  If you want a horse to leg-yield, you have to first teach them how to respond to your leg position.

Young kids and horses have a lot in common, as I’ve found out.  I’m grateful to what I’ve learned over twenty years of working with horses, because I’ve been able to apply the general rules to my kids.  Our oldest is a considerate, helpful girl who knows how to share, use her manners, and accepts a no statement without arguing, at least in public

I’ve started serious training on Beau now.  No more just playing around when I get on his back for a few minutes.  Now it’s saddle and bridle (with cavesson) and riding for 15-30 minutes (any more and I’ll max out his patience–I’ve learned his limits–which is when we have explosions of play and I don’t want that).  All the basics we played with last spring and throughout the summer have paid off.  He responds to the reins where I want him to go.  And he knows both legs pressing near his girth mean to move forward, but a cluck helps too.

Tonight we officially started his real training.  He’s only two and a half, but he’s big…and he’s only going to get bigger.  He could be a handful for me now if he wanted.  Me and all the tack probably only weigh about 130 pounds total.  That’s not much against a 900+ pound 15.2 hand youngster.  That is why I’m starting now.

At least, we’re starting with walking.  We probably won’t be trotting until winter, and then only when the indoor arena is empty.  I don’t want to play smash-up derby.  Um…not fun.  I don’t plan to ask for a canter for another year, as that requires balance and impulsion.  While Beau has a natural balance and a lot of go-forward, my goal now is to establish control.  I want to establish sound basics before we go further.

Oh, and I’m training him for dressage.  Hunter may come in a few years, but no earlier than six.

So, for now, my boy is learning to carry a rider and yield to my weight, legs, and hands.  And he’s doing a splendid job for a baby.  I don’t expect too much, but I do ask for responsiveness.  He’s already getting the idea of moving his shoulders away from my leg, but he’s still all over the place with his weight.   He’s pretty straight in turning for being so green, but in extremes, which is often yet and will be for a while, I have to open my rein and push him with my leg.  He’s getting it though, better than I would have imagined.

And in stopping, I’m asking immediately for a reinback.  This teaches them to soften into the stop in anticipation, because it gives me a chance to continue backing him until he yields his jaw and poll.  Later, I’ll elliminate the reinback and progress to driving him into the stop to soften.  The problem is that he doesn’t like to stop.  He wants to run through and stiffen against me.  I’ve learned through experience that backing is a useful tool for any discipline for a good stop, but you have to know how to make them soften.  Once they understand to back, you ask them to yield that jaw and poll and don’t let up asking until they give you that.  It’s all in how you ask for it later.  Reiners do it to get a horse to anticipate having to tuck their haunches and back up or drop into that sliding stop.  Here, I’m using the same method to ask him to give to me rather than fight me.  It’s hard to explain better, unless you’ve been there with a young horse.  I’ve used it very effectively on other horses I’ve trained for english riding–dressage and hunters.  It’s amazing what you can do with cross-discipline knowledge.

The only other task I’m asking of him is to soften in the poll and jaw while riding forward.  Hard to say how long it’ll take him.  Part of him wants to fight, just because, but he’s also very intelligent, a fast learner.  So, who knows?  But he’ll be a pro at softening and lightening contact before we start trot work.  Trotting is where all these basics come together.  And trotting is where youngsters start leaning on the rider.  This softening exercise is great for teaching them to lighten the contact and carry themselves.  (Read Right from the Start by Michael Schaffer for information on this.)  Beau’s a little on the too big side for me to work on it from the ground, so I work from the saddle.

Other than that, I don’t expect much.  I want all the basic buttons for now at a walk.  In a couple months, we should have the rein, seat, and leg aids down to control forward, stop, and back, and moving the shoulders and turning.  Then we’ll progress to yielding the hindquarters.  I always teach leg-yield early to young horses, because it helps to have that control established in keeping them balanced when starting circles, especially at the faster gaits.  After that, we’ll work on impulsion.  THEN we can progress to trotting.

Next summer, I hope to show at Introductory Level dressage.

jiggity jig.

We’re back from GenCon.  In case you missed it, you can find daily posts of what I liked and didn’t like on my livejournal.

I won’t repeat what I already wrote, except to say that Michael A. Stackpole is not only a good author but a gracious and entertaining person.  So, make sure you check out his website also.

Yay!  Friday is almost done.  So, what comes next?

VACATION!!!

Next week, GenCon.  It’ll be a long road trip, but it’ll just be me and DH.  Hooray!  No kids, but I’ll miss my girls, even the four-legged furry ones with whiskers.  Along those lines, I’ll also miss my boy.  It’s going to be hard not seeing Beau for a whole week.

It’s been hard enough this last week going four days.  I’ve been sick.  I think it’s west nile, but I won’t know until next week.  Monday I go see the doctor and get the blood test done.  All the major symptoms are gone, except the tiredness.  I can’t seem to wake up, except I’m good for a few hours in the morning.  By noon, I’m starting to feel it and by midafternoon, I’m dragging.  This is so unlike me.  But it could also be an effect of not getting out.  I was too uncomfortable earlier this week to get out to see Beau.  Being stuck indoors for more than a couple days in a row always makes me feel…weird…not myself.

I’m glad we have our vacation coming.  But If I can’t shake this tiredness, It’s not going to be much fun.

I’m so glad it’s Friday.

(x-posted from my livejournal)

It was only a local schooling show, but Beau earned a 69% in his in-hand class.  He only rated a 6 (out of 10) in his conformation, but some of the comments will change as he grows and matures, and widens (narrow chest–whatever.  he’s only two).  The judge did give him an 8 (out of 10) on his trot, with good comments about the elasticity and reach.  I don’t see that his shoulder is steep or that his neck is set low either, so I’m not sure I trust the judge’s comments and score.  Any horsey flisters care to comment on your opinion?  I won’t argue if I’m wrong.  Mostly, I’d like to know if I’m just not seeing something, or if I shouldn’t take the judge’s comments too seriously?  It was only our first time and not a rated show.  Maybe another judge will see him differently?

Oh, and our local dress code is lenient.  I know I’m not dressed up.  Besides, it was HOT and HUMID Saturday.  Yuck!

Here are some pics from the photographer’s site:

(I just realized that this was after he rubbed his number off while itching his head on his leg.  I put it back before we walked off.)

(my hair wasn’t cooperating to stay in the french braid–here it looks gawdawful.  But don’t we look nice together

(this is the one I ordered as a 8×10.  It was only $25, and of course it won’t have the watermark on it )

You can see more of Beau and the pony mare who was shown as an in-hand prospect here: Marge Schwartz Photography.  It was an interesting day, but Beau mostly behaved.  The middle part of the triangle, he pulled a jump and play, but I made him go back and try again, just because I don’t like my horse getting away with shite in the show anymore than at home.  He did it again, but not as bad.

Okay, for all the dragon fans out there, check out my series page for some new PDF downloads of the world of the Legend of the White Dragon.  I put it all together into one file–all the world-building info to introduce you to the major races, creatures, and history of Gairdra.  I also added a timeline of the major events leading up to the point where Dragon Prophecy picks up the story of this world.

I promise I am looking for a new publisher for the rest of the series, but that takes time.  I apologize for the poor editing of DP and the cancellation of a sure contract for the rest, but this can be much better.  With your support, I hope it will.  If not, I’ll find a way to supply you with the rest of the story.  It is finished, but needs a good editor.  I will not leave anyone hanging.  Barring anything major happening to me to interfere with my plans, your loyalty and patience will be rewarded.

The only major world-building information not yet provided is the language file I keep.  Although it’s hardly used, having my own language was useful to create, as it helped me to better understand the cultures of the world. That will stay off, unless someone makes a request to see it.

I see that the character interviews and appendices are still quite popular for downloads.  If anyone is interested in further downloads of information, I’d be happy to provide them as PDFs.

It may be some time before the actual canon story is published, now that I’m searching again for a publisher.  However, if you’re gaming or interested in the world, I’m happy to oblige your interest.  Please comment or send me an email if you think I should make further information available.

In providing daycare for various kids, I’ve seen it plenty of times–the coddling and comforting of even the smallest emotional outburst.  I can’t stand it!

The truth is that around one year of age children begin to realize that crying or tantrums are a way to elicit attention.  Don’t fall for the sympathy vote.  Parents have to be strong if their kids will be strong.

Now, I’m not saying don’t give your kids emotional support or attention.  But there is a time and place for it.

Tantrums

Tantrums are a way of saying, “I don’t like this!” and “I refuse to cooperate!” but it all adds up to “I don’t know how to say what I feel.”  The truth is that even adults have tantrums.  (You know the guy–he’d rather hit the wall than hold it in.  or the woman who sticks her nose in the air and marches away to pout when she doesn’t get her way in the office.  Yup!  Those are adult tantrums.  But I’m talking about kids.)

Don’t give in.  Ignore the tantrum.  Don’t fall for the tears, whining, and/or the kicking and screaming.  Once you give in, the next time will be worse–louder and more physical.  Instead, go on with what you were doing.  If you can’t ignore it, send the child to their room.  If they’re young, you can nip this in the bud so it doesn’t progress.  But if you’ve had a progressively worsening problem and the child is older, you may have to physically carry the child to their room.  Shut the door on them.  You deserve a peaceful household.  Tantrums will stress you, whether you acknowledge it or not.

If a child can get out of their room, I like to use the door handle covers, but these are for round handles, not the lever style.  Put the cover on their side of the door.  Then walk away.  Let them chill.  Let them go until you hear nothing for a couple minutes, or you hear peaceful self-talk.  I say peaceful, because you don’t want to reward the child who talks to themself about hurting another person–they’re not over the problem yet.   In that case, you’re going to have to have a talk with them after they’re fully settled down.

If you’re in public, the answer is simple–leave your shopping cart and haul your child to the car.  Buckle them in and step out.  You need your peace and they need to know you’re serious.  And the public will appreciate the peace and knowing one more parent had the firmness to show their kids some discipline.  Tantrums are UNACCEPTABLE.

Most often, if you stop this at home by teaching your child that a tantrum gets them nothing, they’ll realize on some level that the effort of putting up a fight isn’t worth it.  They’ll lose every time.

Injuries

I’ve seen parents immediately comfort their child for the tiniest of stumbles or bumps.  Unless there’s blood, a hard blow to the head, or broken bones, there’s no need to pick up a crying child.  Let them come to you.  Children need our assurance that they’ll be okay.  Most often their injury is small enough to kiss it and make it better.  Do NOT make a big deal of it.  This sends the wrong message.  Remember this old addage: “Actions speak louder than words”.  The object with injuries is to insure the child understands that a small scrape or bump is not the end of the world but that we do sympathize.  They can survive and go on.  And that involves the parent staying calm and acting like it’s not a big deal.

I’ve had kids who bawl their eyes out from falling on their bottom…on carpeting.  Why?  Because mommy or daddy jumps to them all worried and asking, “Are you all right?”  I LOATHE parents like that.  They do a disservice to their children, turning them into whimps and stealing their confidence.

Yes, confidence.  (Remember–blood, head, bones.  Our reaction should be equal to the seriousness of the injury.)  By blowing up a small injury into a big deal, we teach our kids not to rely on themselves.  Instead, they turn to others to determine what they need.  I’ve seen the results.  It turns kids into victims.  They don’t learn to stand up for themselves and trust that they can deal with the situation.  Rather, they turn into clingy, dependent little creatures, instead of independent, outgoing children who can have fun.

In other words, no helicopter parents.  Don’t hover over your kids.  I know it’s hard.  You care, and that’s great.  You want to nurture.  Wonderful!  Now stand back and let your toddler and preschooler go on without batting an eye at their little scrape.  I worry about my girls all the time, but I’ve been able to stand back and let kids be kids.  It’s the nature of childhood–injuries.  It’s going to happen as part of the learning process.  Let them deal with the minor scrapes and bruises.  If they need attention, keep it short–a kiss or a hug, and a kind word of encouragement to go back to playing.  A little first-aid if necessary, but nothing more.  And band-aids have a magical way of making the pain go away, but try to discourage it if there’s no blood.  Remember, you have the power of “No!” and those little strips hurt more coming off than the original injury.

Choices

Kids need choices.  But no more than two or three options, all of them acceptable to you, the caregiver.  Those options should be age-appropriate.  Having the ability to trust in their judgment will give kids confidence that they can rely on themselves and that you (the person they admire most) are trusting them enough to let them choose.  Wow!  Suddenly they have your confidence that they can make a good choice.  That boosts any person’s confidence when someone trusts them to make a decision.  And it should progress to further and further choices, like picking their own clothes, doing chores, etc.  It’s amazing what kids will discover within themselves when given a chance to do things for themselves.

There are other ways to empower kids to grow up as strong individuals who can trust their own judgments, but these are the main three I observe on a daily basis, particularly with preschoolers.

I had a revelation this morning about a story I had started, which had died several deaths.  I suspect a lot of that had to do with the fact that I wasn’t sure about an ending.  I finally realized it was meant to be a short.  After starting the process of paring down what I have to what I can still use, I reached a point where I couldn’t use anything beyond that, except some of the worldbuilding and background info.

That’s where I sat down and started planning.  It flowed into an ending.  Better yet, it makes perfect sense!  I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.  But sometimes that happens.  As with A Turn of Curses, I was trying to stretch a short story into a novel.  Condensing what I had done of that wasn’t easy.  This one won’t be either, but it will be worth it in the end.  (I mean that literally )

I have to know my ending as a guide to write an effective story.  When I don’t know it, I have trouble writing.  I need a goal to aim for.  With the daemon story, I now have that.  I hope to keep it under the 17K word count limit of the Writers of the Future Contest.  Might as well keep submitting as long as I’m qualified to enter.   After all, Curses made honorable mention.  Perhaps Daemon can too.

Now that the ending makes sense, I have that goal to write towards.  It’ll be tight, but I’m sure I can do it.  After all, I did it once already!